Post Church Camp Ponderings

I have spent these few days pondering over some questions which were raised during church camp.

Firstly, love God……or fear God?

I did some deep spirit searching. Took my thoughts back to the past, and tried to give myself a clear answer. Do I pray because I love God, or because I fear Him? And the answer that came up is : in the past, I prayed because I fear the situation.

Which leads to another question. What situation do I fear most? Is it death? Is it poverty? Yes, it is death. I don’t fear my own death, which is inevitable. I fear the pain and suffering that precedes my death. My deepest fear when I was much younger was that death will take those I love and eventually leave me alone. And as the years go by, one by one, my family members succumbed to death, and I was all that is left of my immediate family by the age of 32. But though I was spiritually slumbering and not aware of it then, I realize now that Holy Spirit has helped me face that difficult time. And when I faced the situation, the fear changed to acceptance, and acceptance changed to just another circumstance. God willed it so, and I accepted it. And it was not so hard after that.

Yes, I feared poverty. When my finances went down, insomnia rate went up. I spent many sleepless nights trying to figure out how to get out of the situation, and prayed to God to get me out of this, preferably by giving me a windfall. So I bought lottery tickets for a few years, and started an online business as a side income. Doesn’t help much, except to give me a lot more work and headache sourcing for material, creating my online store, listing and posting, an a whole lot of online communication work with my customers.

But after I came to my church CLCP back in Dec 2009, I started to slowly understand how God works. I gradually learned, and am still learning, to trust and submit. I learn patience. I’ve learned that my past achievements and failures were superficial and unimportant.To know, test and confirm that God is with me, and being able to see how God is working in me. And in turn, through me, let the Holy Spirit use my experience, success and failures, happiness and heartaches, as a testimony to help others in the same situation to overcome their obstacles. To have peace and joy in the heart at all times and in all situation, and to give thanks to God. To be able to accept and actually believe that problems are a blessing. This is success. But I’m still a long way from it. I still possess the mentality of an escapist.

The hardships I faced before and after coming to this church, is to show me the difference between human-driven solutions and God-driven solutions. About holding on tightly to life’s steering wheel, and the relief that follows after letting God take over the wheel.

So the answer to the initial question is, no, I don’t fear God. Yes I love him. I pray because I want to get nearer to Him, to rouse my sometimes slumbering spirit, and not because of fear. But is there any reproach in my spirit? Yes, sometimes. When my pride gets the better of me and drowns out the voice of the Holy Spirit. When my grievances and hurts cause me to direct my anger at God and the church. To be honest, there were a couple of times when I seriously wanted to leave this church. But somehow at the last moment, I always end up back there.

So I guess this is God driven?

Celebrating God

"Yay! Let's celebrate", went Mr. Caveman's text message.

I just realised that we do indeed say that a lot to each other. Let's celebrate. We do not wait for special occasions to celebrate. We just celebrated whatever we like and whenever we feel like it. We are not celebration nuts, nor are we people with lots of free time to spare. We are both busy people, especially Mr. Caveman who has to drive 1 hour to work everyday. Even I myself scarcely have enough time to sit down and watch TV.........which made me cancel my cable TV subscription, as I've been paying money for something I watch less than 2 hours per month!

Normally, busy people gets tired out in the evenings after work. When they return home from work, their affable personalities might take on the traits of a bear. Grouchy and growly. They might take out their day's frustrations on their spouses or children, or might feel silently resentful and bottle up their emotions. Their everyday routine moves in a circle. Stress tires them out, and when they return from work, it will spill over in their homes, thus getting irritated and at times, irrational. A busy woman might have to juggle career and housework and children. At times, being too busy, parents are not aware of what's going on in their children's life, and in turn, the children will feel neglected. That is when material goods will be used to assuage their feelings of guilt, and to appease their children.

So, why do 2 busy people celebrate? And keep celebrating?

Because we put God in the driver's seat, and let him take the steering wheel. With God to govern us and take charge, we just do whatever we have to do with a light heart. The mindset of working for God, and under God's guidance takes the stress away, and even when we are tired, we are tired in God's grace. Tired IN, not tired OF.

Some people use alcohol to numb their stress and cigarettes to relax. They look towards the future as a motivation to work. A future of comfort and luxury. Money enough to satisfy their family, enough to provide for their children. They will then consider their duties fulfilled. Though they might wear themselves down in the process, most will consider this to be worth their while.

Born-again Christians use the Word. They look towards the Kingdom, not to the worldly future, and  use their present conditions to glorify God and do whatever He wants them to do. They derive strength from God's endless well of strength, and live for the present. They enjoy what God gives them everyday, and look forward to what God has in store for them tomorrow, be it grace or sanctification, which will be gladly accepted to strengthen the spirit.

We treasure our God-given relationship, and do our best to keep the atmosphere around us peaceful and happy. We walk where the Holy Spirit guides us, and when the Holy Spirit rejoices and prompts us to celebrate, we simply do so.

And so we celebrate. Not celebrating ourselves, but celebrating our lives in God. Because in God, everyday is a celebration.

In Memory of Kimi

A difficult goodbye

To my sweet little fry

Twilight has set upon you.

In my life, you passed by

Became my shadow, my little ally

Your loyal heart steadfast and true.

Little doggy girl, but nonetheless

Your presence I've been blessed

A part of me you've become.

The sight of you lessened my stress

Even when you have made a mess

Darling with a waggly little rump.

Then you laid yourself down to sleep

And the Reaper came to reap

You are forever gone.

Leaving me with memories so deep

You in my heart I will keep

A void where you used to belong.

Kimi

2000 -- 29.11.2012

Charade

I was baking the other day, and due to carelessness ( or over-confidence in my ability to control the oven ), my cake cracked. To cover up the crack, I slathered thick cheese frosting on top, and scattered some chocolate rice. My aunts went 'Ooooh' and 'Aaaah' over it. They just saw the beautiful dressing, as the cracked surface has been painstakingly concealed.

A pimply face, under tons of foundation and artful make-up. Results : porcelain complexion.

A pear-shaped body, concealed under a slim pencil-line skirt. Results : breath-taking figure.

The wolf, dressed in sheep's clothing, instantly looks like a sheep, if you can ignore the long nose and the sharp teeth!

'Dressing' conceals all faults. In certain cases, some people use dressing as an armour to conceal who they really are. An old friend of my mother's, a rich and arrogant old lady, would simply not step out from her home without first decking herself in expensive jewellery and beautiful clothes. And of course, her trusty tube of lipstick is a must. Working girls will spend a bundle on a Coach bag, to signify their successful working status and independence. Managers will splurge on a luxurious car and home. Status. Wealth. Image. Success stories. The confidence that goes with it. The need to appear above others. But reality is carefully concealed behind the successful veneer. The reality of debts, of loans. Of skipping meals to make ends meet. The stress of being unable to match finances with appearances often results in strife, causing havoc to private lives. And yet, most will continue to live deceptively affluent lifestyles. 'Dressing'  gradually becomes quicksand. It suffocates and sucks a person deeper and deeper.

One might also 'dress' one's attitude and public face. Some use different faces when talking to different people, appearing humble and obliging when conversing with the rich, but domineering and superior while talking to the poor. The rich and famous, in an attempt to gain fame as a generous donor, will give to charities amidst flashes from cameras, smiling magnanimously while handing over big mock cheques. Even in churches, the outwardly pious and devout-looking person might not the person you believe he / she is. I knew a woman from my old church. She's the first to volunteer for church work, first in line to the charity box, and always praises the Lord. But it's a different story at home. She bullied her mother-in-law, and in the end, forced the old lady to move from her home. The old lady was frightened of her. No doubt moving out was a relief for the latter.

Facades. Charades. The perpetual care for outward appearances. There will be no rest, as the person is forever on stage in the public-eye, imagining oneself to be forever in the spotlight.

But when we face God at the very end, the curtains are down. The end of the charade.

The Broken Pot

Time flies! My last ramblings felt recent, but it was in fact 7 months ago. It's high time I dust off the cobwebs from my mind then, before they become the new housing estate for spiders. _______________________________________________________

The pot is broken. Fit to be discarded. It is no longer beautiful. It has become a disgrace in a perfect garden, where flowers bloom colourfully in a row of beautiful pots. It stands alone, wretched and blemished. Unloved, its very presence an eyesore.

BUT........
Though broken, it still houses life.
Though broken, it still fulfills its duty.
Though broken, flowers still bloom.
Though broken, plants still thrive.

As long as we don't discard it, cast it aside, it can still offer its protection to the young tender shoots, and shield it from the elements.

God never discards us. Even when we are blemished, cracked or broken, God will never cast us aside, nor leave us in a trash heap. When we fall apart, when we feel blemished and broken, when others shun us and judge us, God is always with us. Like the prodigal son, the cracked and blemished lost son, the Father always welcomes us back with open arms. And secure in his love, we can use our cracks and blemishes as a testimony. Our dismal experiences can be called upon to comfort, nurture and minister others. We can use it to benefit people.

Our conditions might change, for better or for worse. But in every condition of our lives, be it good or bad, we can use it for God. All our successes come from God, We use it to glorify Him. But we can also glorify Him when we fall. There are lessons and reasons behind a fall. And after a fall, do we just wallow in self-pity and waste away, or like King David, we'll repent, stand up stronger and worship God?

Do we become a broken pot in the trash heap, or the broken pot that houses colourful flowers and thriving plants?

CLCP 2nd Anniversary

We recently celebrated the 2nd anniversary of our church. For our brethrens, it has been two fruitful years of growing together in spiritual strength. Two years of praying for each other and pulling each other up. We have faced lots of obstacles, each one a test and with God's grace, we've managed to pass through the obstacles unscathed and emerged spiritually stronger. Some of the brethrens' lives have become testimonies today. Some are fighting an on-going spiritual warfare, while some are still engaged in never-ending spiritual warfare!

But the one who has to walk down a path strewn with thorns is our Pastor Sarah. She has to undergo difficult tests along the way in order to shepherd us. She ministers to each of us with great sincerity and patience. Her spirit is strong, yet humble. Even when she literally vomitted blood for a few months last year, with the strength of the holy spirit, she managed to hold everything and everyone together.



With God's promise and direction, we will continue forward. We are assured that God is with us. Holding onto this promise, we'll move in the direction of 4 gospelization. We will continue to 'circumcise' our hearts with the Word, in order to heal ourselves, cast out our inner demons and rebuild our temples. With individual gospelization within us, we will reach forward to our families. Then the people around us in our daily fields. With the guidance of the holy spirit, we will raise remnants. These will take time, but we will move according to God's time table.

With God's grace, may our church continue to grow, and that we'll continue to grow together with the church.

Cartoons

Mr. Caveman always complains that my blog entries contain too many words and to little pictures. So to oblige him, here are some funny cartoons I swiped from a site called Reverend Fun. Time for a guffaw or two.

Technology

It has become a common scenario these days to see a young couple walking hand-in-hand into a cozy cafe, choose a table in a secluded spot, settle into their chairs.....and promptly whip out their mobile phones to text or facebook! The only time they acknowledge each other is when they pass their phones to share a joke or newsfeed.

Another common scenario : Parents bringing their children to restaurants, stash ipads or iphones into their childrens' eager hands, let them murder some green pigs with red birds, yellow birds and black birds that resemble a bomb. This successfully keeps the children quiet while the parents enjoy their meal. They feed their kids.....while the latter open their mouths to accept food like robots without a care for what they are eating, as their eyes and attention are glued to the mini screens.

Which brings us to this question. Why is the modern concept of quality time so similar and yet so different from our parents' time?

Rewind back to 50 years ago. It was a common scenario then to see a young couple walking hand-in-hand into a cozy cafe, chose a table in a secluded spot, settled into their chairs......and actually talked! They shared their day with each other, and enjoyed a laugh together over a joke. Of course, phones 50 years ago resembled a black box with a bulky round dialling gadget, and the only function is to talk into an equally bulky receiver. The phone could not follow a person all over the place as (i) it's heavy and (ii) it can only go as far as the cord would allow it to!

Another common scenario : Parents brought their children to restaurants, stashed dolls or small plastic cars into their childrens' hands to keep them quiet while they enjoyed their meal. They then let the children attempt to feed themselves, though at times making a mess. They talked and laughed with their kids and taught them the names of the food. The children learned table manners from a young age.

What is to be blamed for the degeneration of the concept of quality time? Is it technology? Technology makes life a lot easier, but it has come to a stage that people over-rely on technology in their everyday life. It causes people to grow apart while being together. While it is convenient to have technology by our sides and make our lives so much easier, we have to be careful not to let it become a bondage to us. The lure of new gadgets are strong, and the need to own it is great, not because of 'need', but because of 'want'. It has become a status symbol. A college student will spend his free time working part-time instead of studying, and blows his paycheck on a new iphone ( despite already having an older model of iphone ).

In His commandments, God prohibits idolatry. But has technology become more than a bondage, to the point that it has become the new idol of this era? The global stir caused by the death of Steve Jobs recently shows that people care more about THAT apple than they do the one that caused man to fall into sin!

I personally am not against technology, though not to the point of being ruled by it. I do enjoy text messaging though Mr. Caveman does not. His texts ( from his antique mobile phone ) are brief to the point of mind-boggling. Sometimes he simply sends me a one-worded text message. One that says 'home', leaving me to figure out whether he is leaving office for home, whether he's on his way home, or whether he is already home and waiting for me in the parking lot. Perhaps he enjoys sending smoke signals from his cave instead!!

Comedy

A beautiful romance of the young and beautiful. Filled with ups and downs, highs and lows. We laugh with them, sympathise with them, at times worry for them. We wonder how God will enable them to complement each other, to accept one another as they are, and the trials they need to endure to become one in spirit, mind and heart. Whenever they need an understanding ear to unburden themselves, a shoulder to cry on, or Words from the Gospel to help them find their way, we are there for them. We are keen to help them lighten their burden, ease their pain and straighten their perspectives. Their relationship has an impact on the people around them, making people laugh and cry with them.

A romance in the form of the aged and the wrinkled. Filled with the same ups and downs, highs and lows. But how often have we laughed at their antics? Wondered about the outcome? Yes, we thought about how God would show them the way, but more often in mirth. The impact of the blush and teardrops on wrinkled cheeks is not similar to those on smooth pale cheeks. The ear and the shoulder are still offered with equal sincerity, but also with a grin not straying far. We could barely supress a shudder and a giggle at the terms of endearment that fall from their lips. Their relationship has an impact on those around them as well, making people laugh, and more often than not, cheering people up for the wrong reasons!

In our hearts, we know that all God-given relationships are beautiful. We just can't get pass the image our eyes send to our brains, thus turning the cherished into a comedy!

Acceptance

There has been an ongoing war between my spirit and my mind, at an on and off basis, that is. At times, my mind simply could not accept the changes in my life. Perhaps it is because God has been pushing me rather fast, and my spiritual state has progressed more in almost 2 years than in the past 20 years! My mind knows that I have to demolish my old temple, but a certain part of me wants to hang on to my past lifestyle. The internal battle has made me very tired, and when I felt weak, very disheartened. There were times when I wanted to walk away from it all, times when I could not pray, and times when I simply do not want to have anything to do with the church at all. The path of fire I chose to walk is scorching my feet, and it's getting harder and harder to endure.

Then recently, I woke up and decided to simply accept it. Accept everything, the good and the bad, all the trials and tests God has thrown my way. And with acceptance, comes strength. Once I accepted that this is the path God wants me to walk, my infighting stopped. The moment it stopped, I began to see everything in a different light. I finally realised that all this time, I've been praying to God to give me strength, not knowing that the strength is within me all along. The key to the reservoir of strength is acceptance.

Full, wholehearted acceptance. All the trials become a lot easier to bear after that.