Fool

Seeds of doubt are without fail, sown whenever I'm feeling down, or when I'm sick. It usually comes from a well-meaning third party with worldly views. They have my best interest at heart, and simply cannot understand why I do some of the things I do. Some tried their best to discourage me, some pointed out dreary possibilities with pessimistic outcomes. Some simply told me straight to my face how run-down and tired I've become, and whether I want to continue in this way for the rest of my life. They asked me whether it's worth my while.

In the eyes of the world, I'm a foolish person. They used to admire me a couple of years ago, for pocessing money, status, career, independence, a nice home and a carefree single life. They think that I'm gambling my freedom, and perhaps my heart, away without a backward glance. They assume that I'd be happier as I was than as I am.

How do I tell them that I don't thrive on admiration? That these things are no longer important to me? Money comes and goes, makes life a lot more comfortable if you've got it but won't matter much if you have less. Status is but a figment of a person's vanity. Career, whether it's floating or floundering, is a glamorised way of saying I need to work. I am still independent, regardless of what they assumed I've become. Independent of humans but dependant on God.

My life is changing for the better. I may be busier, more tired and run down. I may fall sick more often and I'm no longer a sweet sixteen. But as I mature in faith, I willingly embrace these changes. I accept whatever situation God puts me in, and put my faith in Him. So what if my bank account is in the red? He won't let me starve. So what if the major decisions in my life look mad in the eyes of my friends? He won't approve of it if it's bad for me. As for my carefree life, who says that just because I'm buried with work, I'm no longer carefree? Being carefree is a state of the spirit, as long as my spirit thrives and nourishes, there is no reason why I am not carefree.

But I can't explain these to them. They'd think I've gone completely out of my mind, if they don't already think that! So I just keep my peace, and let them assume what they probably think I am right now.......

........that I'm the biggest fool around.