I have spent these few days
pondering over some questions which were raised during church camp.
Firstly, love God……or fear
God?
I did some deep spirit
searching. Took my thoughts back to the past, and tried to give myself a clear
answer. Do I pray because I love God, or because I fear Him? And the answer
that came up is : in the past, I prayed because I fear the situation.
Which leads to another
question. What situation do I fear most? Is it death? Is it poverty? Yes, it is
death. I don’t fear my own death, which is inevitable. I fear the pain and
suffering that precedes my death. My deepest fear when I was much younger was
that death will take those I love and eventually leave me alone. And as the
years go by, one by one, my family members succumbed to death, and I was all
that is left of my immediate family by the age of 32. But though I was
spiritually slumbering and not aware of it then, I realize now that Holy Spirit
has helped me face that difficult time. And when I faced the situation, the
fear changed to acceptance, and acceptance changed to just another
circumstance. God willed it so, and I accepted it. And it was not so hard after
that.
Yes, I feared poverty. When
my finances went down, insomnia rate went up. I spent many sleepless nights
trying to figure out how to get out of the situation, and prayed to God to get
me out of this,
But after I came to my church CLCP back in Dec 2009, I started to slowly understand how God works. I
gradually learned, and am still learning, to trust and submit. I learn patience.
I’ve learned that my past achievements and failures were superficial and
unimportant.To know, test and confirm that God is with me, and being able to
see how God is working in me. And in turn, through me, let the Holy Spirit use my
experience, success and failures, happiness and heartaches, as a testimony to
help others in the same situation to overcome their obstacles. To have peace and joy in the
heart at all times and in all situation, and to give thanks to God. To be able
to accept and actually believe that problems are a blessing. This is success. But
I’m still a long way from it. I still possess the mentality of an escapist.
The hardships I faced before and after coming to this church, is to show me the
difference between human-driven solutions and God-driven solutions. About
holding on tightly to life’s steering wheel, and the relief that follows after
letting God take over the wheel.
So the answer to the initial
question is, no, I don’t fear God. Yes I love him. I pray because I want to get nearer to Him, to rouse my sometimes slumbering spirit, and not because of fear. But is there any reproach in
my spirit? Yes, sometimes. When my pride gets the better of me and drowns out
the voice of the Holy Spirit. When my grievances and hurts cause me to direct
my anger at God and the church. To be honest, there were a couple of times when
I seriously wanted to leave this church. But somehow at the last moment, I always end up back there.
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