Path of Fire

I have been feeling lethargic lately. Since my baptism, I was hit by diarrhoea that lasted about 4 days, to be followed almost immediately by a bout of flu. To cap it all, even before my physical attacks ceased, I was hit spiritually a couple of days ago, which incidentally is still ongoing as I type this. I even had a nightmare, of me with two beautiful and identical looking spirits, which I instinctively knew as one being evil and the other good. I was battling the evil one while the good one looked on....only to find out that the good spirit was actually evil as well. I woke up feeling irrationally frightened.

Which brings me back to the vision I had when I first joined CLCP. Between a dreamlike state and partial-waking stage, I saw two roads forked out before me, with a big bonfire in front of me. I knew that if I were to take the road on the left, the rewards would be great. But that road is burning with unquenchable fire, and I will suffer from first degree burns that I might not recover from. A voice kept telling me to take the road on the right. Douse out the bonfire in front of you, the voice said. The road was cold, and I'd be fine.

Well, I guess I have chosen. I have been under attack relentlessly for the past six months. Spiritually -- spiritual attacks usually occured when my physical body was at its lowest ebb ( insomnia, sickness ), and reduced me to a mass of quivering and snivelling jelly. Psychologically -- uncalled for personal attacks by a third party and my aunt / godmother's medical emergencies. Physically -- I keep getting sick these past 6 months. For the record, I am normally a very healthy person. My friends akin my health to that of a German tank.

I believe God will not put me through all these troubles if it is beyond my endurance. At times, I really, truly and honestly would love to revert back to my old habit and bellow : WHY ME!! But He knows what He's doing, so I'll just have to accept whatever comes my way, but not without a shrug of resignation. I'll probably squeeze out a rueful grin if I can manage it.

Out of all these, the Holy Spirit within me speaks louder than ever these days. At times when I pose questions to God, the answers suddenly pop into my head with the clarity of words written in bold letters. My spirit feels a certain uplifting even during the times when I was down. It no longer plummets all the way.

So I guess a fire extinguisher is out, though at times it is indeed tempting to simply grab it and douse out my path of fire.